I can not wrap my mind around anything these days. Even the question "What do you want for dinner?" really stresses me out.
I am at the end of my rope, hanging by a thread, about to burst, can't even carry one more piece of straw on my back. You know, all the usual adages.
I find myself tearing up a lot which is really odd for me. Just ask Matt, he believes my lack in emotion can only mean one thing; I am heartless.
But apparently, i have a heart (albeit black) and it's really tired of feeling. I am sad for Matt's mom. I am frustrated with Matt's lack of a job. I am really unorganized and behind in my business and I cant seem to get anything right lately. Not to mention, adding another little life to our family is constantly on my mind and we have no means to do that right now.
I have lost a lot of faith in humanity and yes, even God. I do believe He is there, but its hard not to feel so small and insignificantly when prayers are seemingly ignored on a daily basis. We keep thinking, "This is the opportunity we have been waiting for" only to be shut down again. Its been a really painful roller coaster.
We have amazing friends and family that, if they were given the option, would help us in any way possible. We feel very blessed in that category. The problem is, there is really nothing anyone can do for us right now. No one has a cure for cancer, a job for Matty or a magical spell that creates more minutes in the day.
I think that what it all really comes down to is that I am extremely tired of having NO CONTROL over where our lives are heading right now. I don't even really feel like I have control over my emotions or thoughts. Its all just a blurry mess of negatives and stress. Its really weighing everything else down.
We are keeping busy with things that hold our mind back from the pity party we have been throwing for a good 10 months now. We try to get out, see friends, play with Sam and I have been working in the yard which is a good break from the rest of the world.
We'll survive. We'll get by. We just pray that it will start to get easier any day now...