Monday, July 27, 2015

Failed Adoption

Days have gone by since we have heard about the baby girl we held in our arms a week ago. We have grasped to as much hope as we could, but we feel now that it is time to move on. 


This is our third failed adoption just this year. You'd think by now we would be used to it, or just assume early on that this would be our ending. But we're not, and we don't. 

Each situation is so different, and each bring with it reasons to hope. When we were matched with our son Miles we didn't put our whole heart into his birth mother because we feared rejection. We feared hurt. We feared loss. So when she placed him in our family for forever, we regretted so many choices we had made about keeping our distance to someone so special to our family. 

I vowed to treat every situation differently after that. Although there is always fear, we have pushed ourselves to feel hope and love because there is nothing to regret if you move forward with a positive attitude. 

Failed adoption is HARD. There are so many emotions that go along with loss, and each is valid, although some are unexpected. This most recent loss brought along a lot of feelings of betrayal and anger because we had become so close and so trusting of the couple who we believed would be giving us a precious daughter. 

But I realized something last night. 

I was holding Miles as he slept in my arms. I looked down at him and immediately started to tear up at the thought of the baby girl I had met and how I was never going to get to hold her like this. Anger started to creep in and I said to myself, "How dare they take this from me!"

You guys, it's hard not to feel that way. After all we had been through with them. After they had allowed us so much access into the life of that baby girl. After they had brought in our son's to meet and hold her in the hospital. It's HARD not to be steaming mad. (And trust me, Mama Bear showed her nasty face many times this week! Grrrr.)


Just as I was about to break down and ugly cry in front of a ferry boat full of strangers, with a giant sleeping toddler in my arms, it hit me: This couple owed me NOTHING. I was not ever entitled to this baby that they not only grew, but loved too. She was always their's. We were asked to provide a stable, loving and opportunity-full home for her, should they feel that that was best. And we did. And they came to believe that the best place for her was with them. And you know what? That's great. She's loved and cared for (to the best of my knowledge) and she is where she is meant to be.

Are we hurt? Yes. 
Are we sad? Yes. 
Are we discouraged? SO MUCH YES. 
Are we angry? Yes. No. Kind of. 

There is still so much to learn and come to understand about this process. "Mourning" is hard to follow and predict. With so many thoughts and questions still running through our minds, we can only hope to find answers and peace in the end. 

But I have stopped feeling animosity. Which is a very dangerous emotion because it does NO GOOD in any situation. I have come to understand that they didn't cause us this pain. Loss did. And loss comes from hope. And hope is good. So, in so many words, this pain is good. Because it means we did exactly what we set out to do. Which was to LOVE BRAVELY. 

So do we have regrets? No. 

We will try again. We will move forward with hope because there is no other way to grow our family. Matthew and I have promised Sam, who aches for another baby just as we do,  that we will do what ever we can to bring home another perfect family member. 
Hurt is inevitable in adoption. No matter the outcome. But one thing is for certain. 

It is worth it. 

Miles continues to remind us of that and this is the fact that we will continue to lean on for the hope that we need to keep on this journey towards the family that we dream of. 

It will be worth it. 


Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Nesting.



Monday, June 01, 2015

Have hope.

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible." -Christopher Reeve

In all of the heartache and loss that our family has lived through, nothing has ever made us lose all hope. We have always known that if we keep trying, our family will continue to grow. Miles' birth has always been proof of that.

The day that we returned home from a failed adoption in Maryland, we got a phone call. A couple in our home state was interested in meeting us to see if we were the right family to adopt their baby girl. In those moments, the timing seemed less than ideal. We were still coming off of the losses (both financially and emotionally) that had so recently been experienced, but we knew that we had to move forward despite the hesitations.

"Hope shines brightest in the darkest moments."

Matthew and I decided to meet up with the couple, and open ourselves up to another experience, good or bad. After all, we've survived it all. We picked a time and place and stepped forward.

We have had amazing visits and conversations with this couple. They have brought so much hope and faith back into our lives and have already taught us so much about love, selflessness and strength. And they have chosen US to love and raise their baby girl.

Yesterday we had the amazing experience of attending a 3D ultrasound with the couple. After the loss of Poppy it was so reassuring to see the baby moving and healthy. Sam got to feel baby sister kick and Matthew and I got a glimpse into a life we pray becomes ours.

Are we scared at the possibility of being heartbroken again? Yes. But worrying and being afraid keeps us from feeling the amazing emotions of excitement, love and appreciation that should be felt when expecting something so very special.

So, we are conquering our fears and diving headfirst into another adoption plan with so much joy and anticipation it's enveloping us.

While fear is inevitable, hope will win out as we wait for our precious daughter to join our family. Expected at the end of July, she will have two amazing big brothers to protect her, a mommy and daddy that have been through hell and back to bring her home, and two incredible birth parents who have put her above all else as they search for the best possible life for her. That is love. That is faith. That is selflessness. That is adoption.

And this is the path we have chosen to walk with hope, not fear.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Celebrating Sam.

This weekend we celebrate Sammy turning six years old. SIX! How is that possible?

Sam is such an amazing kid. He has such a deep love for people and animals and this boy's heart is BIG. He has proven to be the best big brother to Miles, always watching out for him and helping him learn and grow. 
Sam is so curious! He loves exploring, asking questions and telling me to Google what I don't have answers to. He enjoys experimenting with cooking and baking. Sam says that when he grows up he wants to be a scientist.

He's a deep thinker and constantly impresses us with the things that he figures out on his own. Sam is doing great in school and making so many friends. He is a social butterfly and enjoys meeting new people. 
"Shmool" loves to perform and show off. He loves music, especially The Beatles and Michael Jackson. His favorite show is Pokemon and his favorite movie is Big Hero Six. He is currently taking (and conquering!) swimming and Jiu-Jitsu. He loves to learn new things. 
 The outdoors are one of Sam's favorite places to be. He loves to hike, camp, collect bugs and bird watch. Although he's an avid outdoorsman, he has a great love for fashion and shopping. He wants nothing more than to be with Mommy and dress like Daddy.  
 We are so in love with our Sammy Boy. He has taught us so much about love and acceptance. He's as calm and happy as can be and such a fun kid to be around. Matthew and I feel so lucky to be his parents and can't wait to watch him change the world for the better.


Happy 6th, Bud!!