Monday, March 05, 2012

A letter to Joe McThiefty

To the butt head who picked up my brand new Kindle fire at Sea Tac airport,

I loathe you. Why, when you found it under the pleather airport seats, didn't you have the decency to turn it in to the lost and found?

It makes me so angry to think of you reading books and watching movies on MY electronic device. Poo on you and your greasy hair and bad skin. At least that's what I imagine a horrible person like you would look like.

And some how I know you're male. Women are too classy to steal something that doesn't belong to them.

Example: See how she's sitting all proper and pretty? Yeah, not a thief.
My editor (AKA: Me with a bun in my hair wearing a J. Crew blazer) just informed me that this is in fact an image of a thief. My bad. So, let's now pretend that the "Joe" in "Joe McThiefty" might be short for Joanna. And that she's fat, draws her eyebrows on and puts her pony tail together when her hair is still wet.

ANYWAY, back to me and my problems.

You, Joe, took something that was quite special to me. You see, the Kindle that you now own was the first thing in a long time that I bought for myself that I didn't need. (besides that bag of Mint Milanos that I scarfed down in 2 minutes flat last week) I was finally feeling comfortable enough in my finances to bring home something NEW something FANCY and something EXPENSIVE.

Now it sits in your dirty apartment among empty Dorito wrappers and cat scat. Damn you. You're probably reading Twilight...blehck!

I guess my pessimistic personality is getting the best of me. Maybe, Joe, you're a lovely airport-terminal-cleaning-lady who has been saving up for years to buy a plane ticket to escape the clutches of your abusive boyfriend "Carl" when you find my Kindle Fire and realize you can sell it for the cash. Now you're off to Florida to start a new life, right?

Or maybe you're a humanitarian who just found out that the child you were on your way to build a school for in Haiti has always dreamed of having a Kindle with a $40 leather case?
It's even possible that you have a reading disorder where you can only make out words when they are back lit by high quality LED lights. The Kindle that you found on Thursday was an answer to your prayers.

Are any of these true, Joe? Can it be possible that you had good intentions when you stole it?

Because, let me tell you, yesterday I had to go out and BUY the book that I was in the middle of when my Fire was taken from me. I laid in bed last night and TURNED PAGES! Oh, how I will always remember the simple touch that it took to go from page 92 to 93.

I can only pray that one day, you will feel sorry for what you did to me. And, although I am not a revengeful person, (Pfff!) I kind of hope someone steals your action figure collection. Or your porn. Or that some day soon Head and Shoulders goes out of business.

Ha! Then you'll be sorry.

With SO much (sarcastic) love!
Holly (once a Kindle Fire owner.)


ALIX said...

i can relate to this VERY well. and no one in any circumstance could ever be ok to take our things. SHAME ON THEM!

Colton said...

Thank goodness you bought a Kindle and not an ipad! Because then not only would you be a douchey brand-imprisoned hipster, you would be out over twice the amount of money when it got stolen!

Also, there are few things that piss me off more than theft. Even petty theft makes me want to tar and feather someone.

Stepper the Mighty said...