Us in June

We got a few updated picture of our family the other day, thanks to my parents. We went to a park near their home and got a few shots. I am so happy to have these.

So, we have started the adoption process. We havent wanted to make a huge deal about it since it's such a gamble, but we are officially waiting and hoping for a birthmother to chose our family. Oh, the torture! It's all I can think about, but we are so excited to see what is in store for our growing family.

Sam is so excited to have a brother...even though we are open to a girl as well, Sam is sure it's going to be a boy. When the homestudy agent came to our door last week, Sam exclaimed "Ah! My baby's here!!" It was heartwarming to see him so ecstatic and also so sad to have to explain to him that the wait has only begun.

So we wait....

So, here's the thing.

I have ZERO desire to ever get pregnant again.

Zero, my friends.

If I was guaranteed to have the same pregnancy that I had with Sam, I would do it 100+ times. It was so fun and easy, two things that will not happen again for me when it comes to carrying a child.

Because of the blood disorder that my body creates against a fetus, I would need to go through some pretty scary treatments involving needles, needles and some more needles. Did I mention that I HATE needles?

Every 7 days, from 12 weeks until birth, I would be given an immunoglobulin suppressant transfusion which is basically a low dose of chemotherapy. The side effects are usually minimal for the length of time that I would be treated (nausea, lowered immune system, headaches and lack of energy) and the results are recorded to be very positive for the newborn.

My fertility specialist talked me through the treatments and assured me that they would do everything it took to make it easy on me from adding a PICC line to putting me on anti-nausea medication.

But for some reason, it still doesn't feel right.

In order to get pregnant I have to take chlomid. Making the decision to swallow that tiny pill creates extremely high anxiety for me and I feel as though I am going to lose my mind.

I want more babies more than anything right now. Beautiful, smelly, crying, hungry, cuddly babies. But I worry about the complications, risks and NEEDLES that will take place if I make the decision to go through with this.

The worst fear for me, is losing the child.

Emotionally I don't think that I could live through the guilt I would feel if I proactively chose to get pregnant knowing the risks of NAIT. I also fear that I would blame Matt for anything that went wrong since the only reason I have to get pregnant, is because it's very important to him. I fear being sick and stressed and the emotional toll of all the negative things that could happen.

I recognize that there is absolutely a chance that I could go through another pregnancy and give birth to a perfect, healthy, little baby. But alas, I am a mentally unstable pessimist.

I dream every day about adoption. It's something that I have always wanted to do and I feel very strongly about bringing another child into our home through this experience. However, just as I am uncomfortable about a pregnancy, Matt is hesitant about adoption. His fears and concerns are normal and I understand every one of them. But I feel completely the opposite.

He is passionate about what he hopes for, and I the same.

It's a very frustrating time for us. We have been trying to get on the same page for a long time. We have had lots of very emotional conversations but nothing has given us that 100% feel-good-about-a-ddecision feeling that we are both wanting to take a step forward.

We have looked into meeting with a counselor, someone who can just take a biased stand to both of our opinions, but insurance doesn't cover such a meeting.

We both realize that because of our disagreements,  Sam may just have to be an only child. Something that neither of us want...but, in order for our family to grow, one of us must cave.

So, which extremely stubborn adult will it be?

Answers to come.

Hopefully.

Our Big Day

2 years ago our son Sam was born and found to have a rare blood disorder called NAIT. The condition is so rare that it took the doctors many days and many tests to figure out the cause of his low blood platelets.

We did some research on NAIT and found out that because my body has built up antibodies against all my future pregnancies, it may be very hard to carry another baby without dangerous complications.

Last year at the NICU reunion we ran into Sam's doctor who was excited to inform us that there was now a specialist in our area that had experience treating NAIT patients.

Today, after weeks of being excited/afraid/thrilled/nervous, we met the maternal fetal medicine doctor to discuss our options.

He was extremely positive.

Doctor Barford explained to the both of us that because Matt is homozygous for the antigen PLA1, the next pregnancy will for sure need to be treated for NAIT. Because of this, we don't have to do any high risk testing during the pregnancy. At 12 weeks gestation, I will start getting immunoglobulin suppressant transfusions once a week throughout the entire pregnancy. This will be extremely difficult for me, to say the least, but I know it will all be worth it.

I will have to deliver through c-section to lower the risk of bruising to the baby, but the chances of delivering a normal platelet count baby are very good.

Although the treatments for a future pregnancy are extremely expensive and strenuous, there is hope for us to grow our family. It was extremely good news to hear after years of being in the dark about our future.

The next steps are to get better insurance, get an appointment with my fertility doctor and....hire a stork :)

To add to our exciting day, Matt had a really great interview for an AMAZING job. Please think positive thoughts for us...we are hoping and praying that things finally work out this time.

Mrs. Tucker

There are some amazing people out there.

A. MAZE. ING

I met with my "girly doctor" on Wednesday for a physical and a consult. There are so many things going through my mind these days and I needed a professional to talk them over with.

I wasn't able to get in with my usual fertility hero, as I call him, because I don't currently have a bun cooking in the oven. I guess a growing fetus is the equivalent of a golden ticket in the gynecological field.

So I was forced to make my apt with a nurse practitioner. I am pretty nervous about seeing anyone new because I like my doctors to know my history through and through.

At my scheduled time I walked into the clinic, checked in and met the new doc, Mrs. Tucker.

Once we had finished the uncomfortable tasks included in my yearly exam (epidural, please?) we discussed my concerns, fears and confusions regarding getting pregnant again.

We talked for almost 2 hours about my issues getting pregnant, staying pregnant and delivering a healthy, high platelet count, baby. She was extremely interested in our case, took lots of notes (on PAPER-meaning not for the hospitals record, but for her own) and promised me she would study up and get a referral for me to meet with a maternal medicine doctor equipped with lots of genetic knowledge.

I thanked her and went on my way not expecting much else.

Then this morning, I got a call FROM MRS TUCKER. How many drs do you know that call the patient themselves? Impressive.

I sat and talked to her and her nurse for a few minutes to find out that she had taken the time to personally head into the Maternal Medicine clinic to talk face to face with a doctor who has treated NAIT patients before. She even made an appointment for a consultation for both Matt and I and looked over our records with the genetic specialist.

I can honestly say it brought tears to my eyes.

We have been so blessed to have met some amazing doctors in the past few years that have allowed our family to grow and thrive. I truly believe that the Lord is allowing these relationships to form so that we can put a trustworthy and loving team together to hopefully one day bring another little Aprecio into our home. I haven't felt this positive about our situation since Sam was born, and although we have yet to find out what a pregnancy entails, or if its even possible, I know that the answers we are about to get will be the ones we are supposed to get.

My doctor visit

I went to the doctor on Monday with a list of concerns. It has been 2 years since I have been insured so we have been very lucky that there haven't been any emergencies.

First on the list was a lump that Matt found on the back of my leg 3 weeks ago. Not only has it not gone away, but it has turned black. Now, I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure black is never a good color to have on your body...

The doctor stated that she had no idea what it was and that she would do some blood tests to see if there was "an infection or something".

What does "or something" mean?

My CBC came back completely normal. Looks like we'll have to biopsy the ugly sucker. That should be really fun.

The second thing we discussed was the fact that I have been having little black outs every once and a while. Not to the extent of passing out, I just lose vision for a few seconds and my heart beats really frantically. One time I couldn't catch my breath or stand up my legs were so weak. (This is the event that pushed us to get me insured. It was really scary.)

The doctor ordered an EKG and that too came back totally normal. Good news? Yes. But I would love to know why I occasionally feel like I have just run a marathon.

The other concerns I had were minor. I have an appointment with a dermatologist to get some moles removed, a new allergy medication regimen (that is working!), a date to discuss the possibility of a future pregnancy with my Gyno and a glimmer of hope to rid myself of seasonal depression. (that so far has lasted 4 seasons. Thank you Washington.)

Overall, I feel a little better. Its good to know I don't have anything REALLY wrong with me and that I now have a little plastic card that allows me into hospitals when I am not feeling right.

I'm sure the stress from not having insurance played a small part in my bad health.

Now that's irony.

NICU Reunion

Saturday morning we headed into Everett to attend the annual "March of Dimes" walk along with Providence's NICU Reunion in honor of all the babies born into intensive care within the last year. We were so excited to see our Doctor and a few of the nurses that cared for Sam after he was born.

Us with Dr. Neufeild.Sam and Cassandra.Although I wasn't prepared for the emotional aspect of visiting with the people who worked Sam's case, it was so rewarding. Looking around at some of the other babies we realize how lucky we are to have been able to walk out of that hospital with a perfectly healthy baby.

And for some reason that healthy boy is extremely afraid of giant Twinkies. No matter where we were in the park that day, Sam kept an eye on it to make sure it didn't do anything unannounced. For the record: He is also afraid of the Red Robin bird.