So, here's the thing.

I have ZERO desire to ever get pregnant again.

Zero, my friends.

If I was guaranteed to have the same pregnancy that I had with Sam, I would do it 100+ times. It was so fun and easy, two things that will not happen again for me when it comes to carrying a child.

Because of the blood disorder that my body creates against a fetus, I would need to go through some pretty scary treatments involving needles, needles and some more needles. Did I mention that I HATE needles?

Every 7 days, from 12 weeks until birth, I would be given an immunoglobulin suppressant transfusion which is basically a low dose of chemotherapy. The side effects are usually minimal for the length of time that I would be treated (nausea, lowered immune system, headaches and lack of energy) and the results are recorded to be very positive for the newborn.

My fertility specialist talked me through the treatments and assured me that they would do everything it took to make it easy on me from adding a PICC line to putting me on anti-nausea medication.

But for some reason, it still doesn't feel right.

In order to get pregnant I have to take chlomid. Making the decision to swallow that tiny pill creates extremely high anxiety for me and I feel as though I am going to lose my mind.

I want more babies more than anything right now. Beautiful, smelly, crying, hungry, cuddly babies. But I worry about the complications, risks and NEEDLES that will take place if I make the decision to go through with this.

The worst fear for me, is losing the child.

Emotionally I don't think that I could live through the guilt I would feel if I proactively chose to get pregnant knowing the risks of NAIT. I also fear that I would blame Matt for anything that went wrong since the only reason I have to get pregnant, is because it's very important to him. I fear being sick and stressed and the emotional toll of all the negative things that could happen.

I recognize that there is absolutely a chance that I could go through another pregnancy and give birth to a perfect, healthy, little baby. But alas, I am a mentally unstable pessimist.

I dream every day about adoption. It's something that I have always wanted to do and I feel very strongly about bringing another child into our home through this experience. However, just as I am uncomfortable about a pregnancy, Matt is hesitant about adoption. His fears and concerns are normal and I understand every one of them. But I feel completely the opposite.

He is passionate about what he hopes for, and I the same.

It's a very frustrating time for us. We have been trying to get on the same page for a long time. We have had lots of very emotional conversations but nothing has given us that 100% feel-good-about-a-ddecision feeling that we are both wanting to take a step forward.

We have looked into meeting with a counselor, someone who can just take a biased stand to both of our opinions, but insurance doesn't cover such a meeting.

We both realize that because of our disagreements,  Sam may just have to be an only child. Something that neither of us want...but, in order for our family to grow, one of us must cave.

So, which extremely stubborn adult will it be?

Answers to come.

Hopefully.